Today I decided, I go out. Walk on my two legs, wherever whenever, just walk on and on. It seemed like a simple decision. Just put something on and go! Right? Open the door, put yourself behind the door, close the door and out you are. Off you pop! Hop now hop!
What to put on? The weather was sunny. Something with thin fabric will do. A dress, a summer dress. I took a dress in my hand. No, a dress will not be good. I ate so much and now I have a huge tummy. What I needed to walk for? Because I ate so much and I didn’t go out yesterday. That is that. If I am on my way to normal, I must go out like other normal people and walk. Walk off what I ate. A skirt would be better. This will hide my tummy. Good, now I can go.
I remember when I was a little girl, eleven or so, and I was so skinny it made my mother feel ashamed. You are so skinny, it makes me think you have no food home, one classmate told me. She was jealous but she was right too. We were quite poor indeed. I had crooked teeth, flat chest, big hair, curly and huge, flowing around my head like sheep wool. I was like a witch. I still felt like I was that girl. Afraid, that someone on the street might laugh at me. Or at school. Some did too. You are like a witch one said. What could I say, I knew I was. When Harry Potter books came out, being a witch was suddenly fashionable. So I didn´t mind anymore. What had happened to me? Why was I not skinny anymore? I would be proud to be skinny now. Who knew. Fat or skinny I must go out. Even if I have no one to go out with. Even if I still have big hair that are impossible to put into any decent hairdo. Even if my body looks hideous in the mirror. Even if they should laugh.
I wonder why she wanted my big hair. She had no hair, just a couple of strings that she had to abuse with awful lot of hair mousse and pretend this mess on her head was curly and cute. I never noticed what she truly hated me for. I only wanted her thin body. And her character. We always want what we see all the time, don´t we. I envied her ego-maniacal behaviour, her confidence, independence, her need to put other people in their place. I never
had any such characteristics. Bully or be bullied they say. How right they are. Some think evil people always end up alone. She did too, at least she got rid of me, finally. It took awful lot of time though. And still, I want to be cruel too. I want to hurt other people like she did. Control them. So it would not happen to me twice any more.
Eat or be eaten. I need to become more cruel, more sadistic, more like her, who I admired for her ability to be so certain about herself whatever she did. Always behaving as if better than everyone else. I saw it all the time and yet, still, managed not to acquire myself any of these characteristics, skills or abilities. I am totally unable to seriously harm, revenge or bully. Therefore, all my life, I have been the target. Second choice for everyone. I want to be a predator not a prey. What can I do?
What can I do to become what attacked me? Is it even possible? Why do I admire such awful people? They never admire anyone, they never have true friends. Therefore, they were protected from harm. They never care for anyone these people. Why do I care so much about people who do nothing significant to deserve such admiration? It is a blemish in my nature. The answer must be hidden in why she even picked me out of all others. Vampires are the best judges or characters. What did she see in me.? My naïve, trusting, dependent nature? Admiring, sacrificing, anything-for-others nature. I loathe myself more and more thinking about it. What on earth made me like this. I would never admire someone with such characteristics myself, yet I am one and know not how to change it for good. I will never become like her, cold, not caring, on my own and proud. I will always be only on my own and miserable. I am a co-dependent. I am a co-dependent. I co-depend. The sun is shining, but I cannot go out because no one takes me. No one tells me what is okay and what isn´t. I cannot go out. I cannot go out until I have learnt to be cruel.